Healing from the wounds of divorce – Bitterness

As a pastor one of my greatest pleasures in the ministry is to dedicate babies.  Families go all out for this special occasion with dolling up Jr. in some really cool duds and Grandpa, Grandma, Aunts, Uncles, and all other relatives possible, are in attendance for the great occasion.

I love to hold the baby up and show off the newest member of the church to the rest of the congregation and the sanctuary is filled with ooohs and Awhhs as the child is presented.

Sometimes when I am holding up the new baby I see a couple in the congregation and the wife longingly looks at her husband with eyes that say, com’on honey don’t you want another one?  The husbands loving glance back is usually, there is noooo way that is going to happen!

I remember one such special occasion with a large family on the platform and me in my Sunday best holding the child and praying for him.  When the prayer was over, (and a mighty prayer it was) the baby proceeded to thank me by puking on my suit!  The whole place breaks out in a roar, now Pastor David has baby puke on his suit.  I looked Jr. in the eye and said, “thank you for your amen!”

Life is like that at times, things are just going along fine and someone pukes on you.  You didn’t even do anything to them and they still puked on you.  Now you have a choice:

1. Do I just complain about the puke?
2. Do I clean it up and move on?

I am amazed at how many people settle for the first option.  When we allow wrongs in our lives to go unforgiven bitterness develops.   Bitterness can be quite a nasty little bug that messes with several key areas in our lives.  Let’s look at what the bible says about what happens when we allow a root of bitterness to grow in us.

Hebrews 12

Exercise foresight and be on the watch to look [after one another], to see that no one falls back from and fails to secure God’s grace (His unmerited favor and spiritual blessing), in order that no root of resentment (rancor, bitterness, or hatred) shoots forth and causes trouble and bitter torment, and the many become contaminated and defiled by it–

That no one may become guilty of sexual vice, or become a profane (godless and sacrilegious) person as Esau did, who sold his own birthright for a single meal.

For you understand that later on, when he wanted [to regain title to] his inheritance of the blessing, he was rejected (disqualified and set aside), for he could find no opportunity to repair by repentance [what he had done, no chance to recall the choice he had made], although he sought for it carefully with [bitter] tears.

Esau actually wasn’t tricked by his brother into giving up his birth right, he was taken advantage of in a weak moment and he gave up something precious that God had given him.  Some key things mentioned in this passage describe what happens to us when we allow bitterness to grow.

• Bitterness causes trouble and torment in our lives.  The word for trouble in the Greek means to cause a disturbance or annoy. The word for defile is very interesting; it means to dye with a different color.  It also means to stain, pollute, contaminate or soil. Once we allow bitterness to take over it changes our color and we look different than we did before.  What would we look like if we were dyed a different color?  Would anyone recognize us?  Bitterness has the potential to take over our lives and it is all people see of us.

• Verse 16 also states that it opens the door to sexual sins in our life.  This seems strange but in speaking with others on this subject, when they allowed bitterness to fully develop there can be some kind of sexual sin involved in the mix somewhere.

• Verse 16 goes on to state that the bitterness Esau had in his life led him away from God so he became a Godless person and someone who was sacrilegious.  Do you know someone who has been hurt by a church or church member?  If they have stopped going to church what do they say when you invite them to church now?  “You’re not getting me to go to church with those hypocrites!”  Bitterness takes us away from the very thing that can heal us.

• One of the most dangerous things I see in this scripture was that bitterness affected Esau’s ability to repent.   Repentance is probably the most important gift that God has given us.  Since we are human and make mistakes it is imperative that we are able to repent, and come to the throne of grace to find forgiveness.

• 1 John 1:9, Hebrews 4:16. In verse 17 it states Esau tried to regain his title and repair through repentance what he had done but could not.  Now, I thought that God forgave our sins if we repented?  What did he do wrong here?  The Berkeley Version of the New Testament and the Twentieth Century New Testament shed a little more light on it. Both translations state he was crying because he lost the blessing not because he had he had thrown away something precious God have given him.  He was seeking the blessing not a change of heart.

“Pastor, the only problem is that it hurts so much and what they did to me was so horrible I can’t forgive them!” Trust me I understand that as well as anyone but we have just seen what happens when we don’t forgive a person.  So how do you get past the pain?

It’s pretty obvious when you start talking to someone if they have forgiven the person that has wronged them or not.  All you have to do is mention that person’s name and blagggh up it comes.  You could be talking about the weather and somehow mysteriously the conversation ends on how they were hurt. What are they hoping to accomplish by talking about their hurt to everyone? What do they really want?  I think what we are looking for is someone to confirm that we were wronged and take our side.  It really boils down to; we want justification and vengeance for our wrong that happened to us.  If you really want to be healed from hurts in your life there is a critical step you have to take.

Romans 12: 19
“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for [God's] wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is Mine, I will repay (requite), says the Lord.”

This scripture expressly tells us that there is only one person who has the right to exercise vengeance in your life, God.  We have to die to the desire for vengeance and justification and give it to God.  Can we trust that to him?

2 Thessalonians 1: 4-6
“And this is a cause of our mentioning you with pride among the churches (assemblies) of God for your steadfastness (your unflinching endurance and patience) and your firm faith in the midst of all the persecutions and crushing distresses and afflictions under which you are holding up.”

5” This is positive proof of the just and right judgment of God to the end that you may be deemed deserving of His kingdom [a plain token of His fair verdict which designs that you should be made and counted worthy of the kingdom of God], for the sake of which you are also suffering.”

6 “[It is a fair decision] since it is a righteous thing with God to repay with distress and affliction those who distress and afflict you,”

The key to healing the pain in your life lies in your ability to give justification and vengeance over to God and let go of your desire to dispense it.  Once this becomes revelation forgiveness will come much easier.

We have a high priest, (modern day terms – a lawyer) who knows how we feel and the weaknesses we deal with.

Hebrews 2:18
For because He Himself [in His humanity] has suffered in being tempted (tested and tried), He is able [immediately] to run to the cry of (assist, relieve) those who are being tempted and tested and tried [and who therefore are being exposed to suffering].

No matter what has happened in your life let God be the one who justifies you.  He has experienced every pain you have and knows how to vindicate you.  Once you take this step the healing process will blossom in your life and your journey toward restoration begins.